Montreal, May 15, 2008 No 256

 

THE RATIONAL ARGUMENTATOR

 

Gennady Stolyarov II is a science fiction novelist and philosophical essayist, and is Editor-in-Chief of The Rational Argumentator. He lives in Chicago.

 
 

WHY THE GOVERNMENT
SHOULD REGULATE THE WEATHER

 

by Gennady Stolyarov II

 

          I grow tired of chaotic, unpredictable, and wildly fluctuating weather conditions. Left to its own devices, the weather produces nothing but sustained inequality and frustration for all. Therefore, in accordance with the rising tide of public opinion in support of government-imposed climate controls, I would like to take an already popular idea one step further. I believe that the federal government should impose regulations on all weather within the boundaries of the United States under the following plan:

 

1. In accordance with the principle of universal equality, the temperature in all locations of the country will henceforth be made equal; the government will accomplish this by a massive redistribution of heat from warmer locations to cooler locations.

2. The temperature in all locations shall henceforth be fixed at 75 degrees Fahrenheit. Global warming and global cooling are to be entirely outlawed. If the weather refuses to cooperate with these requirements, fines will be imposed on it in proportion to its deviation from the legal temperature. These fines are expected to be sufficient to fund the remainder of the proposals outlined here.

3. Every location in the country will henceforth receive an equal amount of precipitation at precisely the same time during the day. No location shall be permitted to have more water than any other location, and any person shown to possess water in excess of the permitted quota will be fined $5000 for every liter of water possessed.

4. All unfair and monopolistic combinations of weather, such as hurricanes, tornadoes, snowstorms, thunderstorms, warm spells, cool spells, and other apparent schemes of collusion among elements in the Earth's atmosphere are henceforth outlawed. By order of the federal courts, each of these weather combinations can be dissolved into smaller components that will be spread evenly throughout the country.

          This plan is surely in accordance with our ever-present drive for equal opportunity in all areas of life. Why should farmers in cooler regions deal with shorter growing seasons than farmers in warmer areas? Would it not be to our advantage to equalize growing seasons everywhere so as to achieve a level playing field?
 

"By equalizing the weather throughout the country, the government can give all individuals an identical physical environment to live and work in, therefore eliminating unfair advantages some people might receive by living in a climate which is more favorable to their development than others."


          By equalizing the weather throughout the country, the government can give all individuals an identical physical environment to live and work in, therefore eliminating unfair advantages some people might receive by living in a climate which is more favorable to their development than others. If an Inuit in Alaska wishes to grow peaches or a Hawaiian seeks to open a sweater-selling shop in mid-July, they should be permitted to do so without experiencing discomforts or handicaps. The weather should not be allowed to discriminate against people based on characteristics such as geographical location and lack of foresight. If the weather persists in denying equal opportunity to all Americans, it shall, again, be fined.

          Some might object to this proposal, contending that the government cannot violate natural laws, namely, the laws of physics and chemistry that determine weather patterns. Yet this objection is without merit, for past precedent has amply demonstrated that the government can and does attempt to violate natural laws: the laws of economics, the laws of ethics, the laws of logic, the law of cause and effect, and the supreme law of the land, the U.S. Constitution. Adding the laws of physics and chemistry to that list is fully in accord with the unlimited right of politicians to redefine the elements of external reality to suit their own ends.

          In our noble efforts as a society to afford legally enforced equality to everything, we shall finally be rid of the ghastly climate inequality which plagues our country. Gone will be the days of climate-based oppression, where one class of individuals unfairly exploits advantageous weather opportunities at the expense of everybody else. Let us march on to a brighter tomorrow, under the auspices of benevolent leaders who will finally enable the weather to conform to the principles of social justice.
 

 

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