I know what you're going to say. You like Christmas. You like
the eggnog, the presents, the days off. Hey, who doesn't?
There's no denying that it's a bright spot to look forward to
during the darkest days of the year, falling as it does just
after the winter solstice here in the GFN (Great Frozen North).
You might be forgiven for asking, "Couldn't we just get rid of
Well, we might have to do
that too, but for now my focus is on Christmas, and despite the
fruitcake we all love so much – despite the stockings hung by
the fire with care – I'm afraid it's simply got to go. Christmas
has had a good run, but it's high time we all admit it's just
not well suited to our hypersensitive times. No, the 21st
Century world is no place for a holiday like Christmas. Don't
take my word for it, though; just have a gander at the following
list of the top ten reasons why we need to outlaw Christmas.
Intolerance. It's no secret anymore: the holiday
that wishes peace and joy to all mankind is just not
inclusive enough. It is clearly disrespectful of the
world's other traditions to force their adherents to
allow us to celebrate our own tradition. The meagre
measures undertaken to date fall far short of what is
required. No, my friends, in the spirit of
multiculturalism, it has become necessary to suppress
our own culture with the full force of the law. There's
just no other way. Now, you might think the members of
other cultures should tolerate our traditions, but that
just goes to show that you are in need of some
sensitivity training. Clearly, some people are offended
by ornaments and little white lights, and if there's one
purpose for which governments are instituted among men,
it's to ensure that no one is offended, ever, in any way.
9) Indigestion. Feasting is a big part of
Christmas – which is another excellent reason why this
holiday must be stopped. Apparently, some people are
still unaware that we are in the midst of an obesity
epidemic, here. Seriously, who among us can resist
seconds of turkey dinner? And all those cookies and
deserts? Sure, exert a little will power, that's easy
for you to say. But some of us need to be saved from
ourselves, and if the rest of you are deprived of a
little freedom in the process, well, that's a sacrifice
I'm willing to make. Christmas is harmful to the
waistlines of the weak-willed. No measure can be too
extreme when it comes to redressing this wrong.
8) Intemperance. What is true for food goes
double for booze. Sure, we all like a little tipple, and
no, a drink or two never killed anybody. But prohibition
is back, baby, and if you're wondering why, just think
of this for a second: It's all fun and games until your
Uncle Frank has one too many bottles of beer and starts
hitting on your girlfriend by telling her she looks like
Jackie O. Was there ever a case that cried out more
eloquently for government action?
7) Environmental damage. Christmas is nothing
short of an ecological nightmare. All that waste.
Wrapping paper doesn't grow on trees, you know. Trees
don't grow on trees either. You heard me. And all of
those people traveling around the globe to spend a few
days with their families? That's a lot of extra CO2
being pumped into the atmosphere. And don't get me
started on that pretty fire in the fireplace. It's
simple: eliminate Christmas and save the planet… from
getting 0.1°C warmer a hundred years from now. It's win-win!
6) The plight of turkeys. If ever there was an
unsympathetic animal, it's the turkey. I mean, talk
about ugly. It's no coincidence that NGOs feature images
of animals like pandas and dolphins and doves in their
propaganda. But turkeys have feelings too, you know. And
the people who work in abattoirs toil under positively
Dickensian conditions. Sure, the abattoir worker chose
to work there and can leave his job any time he likes.
But I ask you, does that make him any less of a slave?
Animal rights activists and unskilled labourers of the
world, unite! To abolish Christmas.
5) Those f@%&ing songs. Listen, personally, I
like 'em. The beautiful harmonies, the jazzy chord
progressions… But it has been brought to my attention
that some people, even some good Christians, have been
known to fly into murderous rages after extensive
exposure to these little ditties. It stands to reason
that we must jettison these treacherous tunes, lest the
"Christmas carol induced temporary insanity" defence
threaten to unravel our entire criminal justice system.
4) TV specials. From Frosty to Rudolph to the
Grinch, the problem here is the same: American cultural
imperialism. Where's the Canadian content? There are
rules about this sort of thing, people, but obviously
either they're not tough enough or they're not being
properly enforced. Look, I know I said we had to respect
other cultures, but I didn't mean American
culture; I meant other cultures, as in The
Other. You know, stuff we don't understand and don't
like. Geez, do I have to explain everything around here?
3) Christ. I'm sorry, but this guy is a terrible
role model. Sure, turn the other cheek, he says; what
could possibly go wrong there? If there's one thing
we've learned from Star Trek, it's that
aggressive types (think Klingons) really respect you
when you turn the other cheek. Oh, and what about those
so-called "miracles"? Talk about encouraging magical
thinking. Besides, what does freedom of religion mean if
not freedom from religion? Clearly, the government must
step in and save us from J.C.'s pernicious influence.
2) Mass. Anyone who has sat through one of these
ceremonies knows the truth: bor-ing. It's clear why
Christian doctrine had to assert that we are all sinners,
because no one would ever suffer through mass if they
didn't believe it was part of their penance to avoid
eternal damnation. It's also clear why this qualifies as
another reason for outlawing Christmas. I mean, if
there's one purpose for which governments are instituted
among men… What? Okay, if there's a second purpose for
which governments are instituted among men, clearly,
it's to keep us entertained.
1) Santa Claus. Jesus may have his name built
right in to this holiday, but it's been clear for a
while now who the real star of the show is. Now, some of
you might think lying to children about the existence of
some fat guy in a red suit who lives at the North Pole
and gives presents to nice little boys and girls is a
harmless fiction. Well, nothing could be further from
the truth. First of all, how are we ever going to get a
handle on our obesity problem (see #9 above) when the
Santa myth misrepresents being morbidly overweight as
not only acceptable but downright jolly? Second, lying
to children must surely be included in our ever-expanding
definition of child abuse requiring state intervention.
And if the lie itself wasn't bad enough, just think
about the psychological trauma these kids are going to
experience when Santa's home melts into the Arctic Ocean
in a few years time (see #7 above). Harmless indeed… And
listen, to be quite frank, the government doesn't need
any competition in the "hand-outs" department. As the
saying goes: "Thou shall worship no other givers of free
The message is clear, and the need is urgent. In the name of
tolerance, diet, teetotalling, ecology, and all the rest, we
must cancel Christmas – forever! Some will protest that the
price in terms of civil liberties is too high, but I say, when
it comes to ensuring that no one is ever offended (or bored), no
price is too high! And if even one turkey is saved by the
outlawing of Christmas, it will have been worth it.